"Who walks in darkness and has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the Lord
And rely upon his God.
Look, all you who kindle a fire,
Who encircle yourselves with sparks:
Walk in the light of your fire
And in the sparks you have kindled--
This you shall have from My hand:
You shall lie down in torment."
Isaiah 50:10,11
I have been encircling myself with sparks lately. For the past twenty years or so. Against my better judgement, like a compulsion, I labor over the sticks, rubbing them together, hoping for friction, until my hands are blistered and bleeding and I can barely keep at it a minute longer. Then I start to see some smoke rise. I did it. Then I do it again and again and again until I am safely inside the light of my own fire. The only problem is once I'm inside it, I'm inside it alone.
This has been a rough week for me, a dark week. Two hospitals in seven days. One for me, one for my sister. A brithday that didn't quite go as planned. Anxieties. Pain. Lots of unsettledness. So, I have done what I do best. I've rubbed those sticks together. I've tried to stay in control. I've done all I could to make myself feel safe. For me, what that means is pulling in and shutting down. I push Him away.
Everybody walks in darkness every once in awhile. When we do, we have two choices. One, we can trust in the name of the Lord and rely upon our God. Or two, we can do our best to take care of ourselves on our own, apart from Him, walking in the light of our own fire. When you look at it that way, seems like it should be an easy choice.
For as long as I can remember, the greatest longing of my heart has been to have unbroken intimacy with God. And for as long as I can remember, it has eluded me. I think I'm beginning to understand that the only thing standing in the way of that is me. And my circle of self-sufficient fire.
