Here is the Battle Again

Here is the battle again. Here is that old opponent of mine, Hopelessness, with its boxing gloves on in the corner of the ring. Its over there on one side and I'm here on the other, wondering in this brief moment of calm how much longer we'll last. And wondering which one of us will fall first. We've been at it now more rounds than I can count. My face shows the marks of its punches, well-executed and well-positioned. I'm covered with the red stain of dried blood from past rounds and fresh blood from the latest banter back and forth. I look over there to see what damage I've done. Hoping to see some evidence that there is more than my own tenacity (or foolishness) to account for the fact that I'm still standing. Hoping to see signs of defeat on the face of my foe. It catches my eye. For a moment, the two of us are the only ones in the room. The voices around my adversary are silent. The noise of the crowd and the words of the people I have in my corner are muted by the lock of our eyes on each other. Then, with evil lighting up its face like a match when it catches fire, it smirks at me, as if daring me to come back for more. I return the smirk with gritted teeth and clenched fists. This time the fire is mine and it begins to boil beneath the surface of my skin. All of a sudden, I can remember every punch, every jab of every round we've fought. I see them for what they are. Lies. Fears. Perfect pictures of people who have what I want. Doubts about God. Questions about His heart towards me. ls He really all that interested in me? Does He really care about the desires of my heart? Can I really trust Him? Low blows from skilled hands. And just as clearly, I can see the next round and the one after that and the one after that. I can see my battered body, barely standing, staggering back to the center of the ring over and over again, regaining just enough strength in the in between to keep up the fight. What is worse, I can see that sinister smirk always on its face. In all the battles behind us and all the ones we have yet to fight. That taunting, arrogant expression it tried to mask until now, to keep me in the dark. To keep up the facade. But now that I've seen it, I know. I know that for my foe, this battle was never one to win. It was only one to fight. For my foe, the victory came every time I stepped back in to center ring for another round. And here I was thinking that I was getting somewhere. I was just playing into its hand. That smirk gave away my adversary's secret. And it gave me the upper hand. Here is the battle again. But this time it will play out differently. Because here I am, laying down my fighting gloves and walking away. I walk away knowing with certainty that my enemy, that old Hopelessness with a smirk on its face, never stood a chance and never will. Hope is mine. I will take it with me as I go.