October Baby Part II

All I can say is it's a good thing I watched it within the seclusion of my room.  I think there's a certain type/amount of crying during a movie that is acceptable within most social norms.  I'm pretty sure my type/amount of crying during October Baby was outside of the 'acceptable' range.

There are two scenes that particularly bulldozed me and I'm not going to tell you anything about the scenes because I don't want to ruin your viewing experience.  Suffice it to say the movie left me feeling very, very sad.  I felt like my heart was breaking for me and for Him, my Father, my Abba, because of the way I don't know how to love Him.  I don't know how to love Him as a daughter.  I don't know how to love Him in freedom and without fear.  And the reason I can't give Him the love of a daughter is because I don't know how to be loved by Him as Father. Abba. I don't know how to be loved by Him in freedom and without fear.  This 1) makes me very sad and 2) makes Him even more sad.  

So what's holding me back? Same thing that holds us all back. Lies. They come in all different shapes and sizes, but the message is the same. Whatever Satan, the father of lies, can do to make us question or doubt or reject or refuse the perfect, unconditional, infinite and constant love of God, he will do it with gusto.  He will do it with desperation because he knows that once we know, once we really know the love of God that passes knowledge (Eph. 3:19), he won't have a chance.

Truth is a powerful thing.  It heals, it sets free, it changes a person. How I feel doesn't change the truth. Whether or not I feel loved by God like the dad loves his daughter in the movie doesn't change the truth that He loves me likes the dad loves the daughter in the movie. Actually, the truth is that the depiction of the father's love in those scenes is hardly a drop in the bucket compared to how He feels towards me. And you.  For all my crying and sadness and general brokenness on account of living in a fallen world, this Truth really is my home. And I believe that it will heal me, set me free, and change me.  

For me, watching October Baby was kind of like ripping a band-aid off tender skin, only to expose wounded flesh.  Some wounds need exposure to heal.  In that sense, I am grateful to have been so deeply affected by the movie because while the sadness was intense, the lasting impression of it isn't hurt.  It's hope. I have hope that the wrong ideas I have about God and myself will be replaced with truth. I have hope that someday soon I will be able to call Him 'Abba' without squirming inside.

October Baby Part I

I love a good crying movie. The kind of movie that grips the place where all the pent up tears are and rattles them out of you. The kind that you probably should watch in solitude due to the periodic, involuntary guttural sounds that escape your slobbery face. Here are some examples: Marley and Me, Hachi: A Dog's Tale, Courageous. All of them very therapeutic, if you ask me.

Well, I found another one. It all started in church last Sunday, during one of those kinds of sermons that you can listen to probably one million times and still learn stuff from. This sermon came with a movie clip. A movie called October Baby. During the clip, it took all of my will power not to let the floodgates open, but I had to face a room full of people behind a very clear plastic drum shield immediately afterwards and it would have been embarrassing to have a slobbery face.

I won't spoil the movie for you if you haven't seen. But the clip showed a dad hugging his daughter. Simple, but powerful just the same. My eyes were not the only wet ones in the room when it was over. The clip was sort of a visual representation of the main idea of the sermon. Because of our sin, we were separated from God. But because of what Christ did for us on the cross, He has made a way for us to have a real, personal relationship with God. One of the main verses we looked at was Galatians 4:6, “Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, 'Abba, Father.'" For those of us who have made Christ the boss of our lives, not only are we no longer separated from God because of our sin, but we have access to close, intimate relationship with Him. We can call Him Abba. Daddy.   

I don't know about you, but the idea of calling God 'Daddy' makes me squirm a little on the inside.  I have had a relationship with God for most of my life, but my relationship with Him is not like the one I saw in the movie.  She was so secure.  So sure of herself in light of her father's love.  I am just not that girl.  Not yet, anyways.  For me, it's been an upward climb to know Him as Father.  That's why watching the clip was so hard.  It showed me how I want to be, not how I am.  

But I figured the fact that I had such a strong reaction to the clip meant that maybe whatever it was stirring up in me needed to be stirred. So I took the plunge.  Rented myself a Redbox.  I thought it would affect me, but I was not prepared for how much it did...