Some nights its a hit or a miss. So far, this one has been a miss. Its 5:45am right now and I have yet to sleep a minute. Not for lack of trying. I have imagined myself asleep, willed myself to sleep, tried to trick myself into sleeping. No such luck. This night comes to me a few days post-wisdom teeth removal surgery, which afforded me the opportunity of being at the mercy first of my dentist and nitris oxide, then of swollen cheeks and pain pills. Throw in some heart matters of deep magnitude and exhaustion down to my bones, and there you have my story of late.
There is a quote from a book I read several years ago that really kind of hit me square in the face when I read it and it has been in the back of my mind all this time. I've been thinking about it lately. Its by Andrew Murray from a book called Waiting on God.
"He stirs up your nest. He disappoints your hope. He brings down your confidence. He makes you fear and tremble, as all your strength fails and you feel utterly weary and helpless. And all the while, He is spreading His strong wings for you to rest your weakness on and offering His everlasting Creator-strength to work in you. And all He asks is that you sink down in your weariness and wait on Him. Allow Him in His Jehovah strength to carry you as you ride upon the wings of His omnipotence."
For me, all of this is about coming to the end of myself and my grasp at control. Its about relying on God more than I rely on myself. This kind of thing doesn't come easily to me. Never has, but I'm determined to learn. I'm determined not to stay in this old self-reliant fortress any longer, where no one can reach me. Sleepless nights are out of my control. Pain in my mouth is out of my control. Knowing how things will end is out of my control. There is a special kind of freedom that comes with letting your hands hang limp and looking to God with more questions than answers, more sadness than hope. This is an honest place to be. And what better chance to really see the strength of God come through for me, than when my reserves are depleted? The Bible says in my weakness, He is strong. I think I'd like to take Him up on the offer.
