Time

The minutes pass so quickly once the sun comes up. So quickly that I have to frantically gather them all in my arms until I am full of them. Some will spill over onto the ground and if I'm not careful I will step on a few and waste them by the clumsy weight of my body on my feet. The minutes that don't spill over will remain within my focused grasp and I will not let them out of my sight if I can help it. I will not lose anymore than I have to. Then, I will distribute them into their respective slots. I will count them over and over and over again just to make sure they are still there. I will juggle them, begrudge them, love them. I will worry over them as I watch them diminish and with them, my firm grip will fade. Then I will sleep and gather strength for the next day's ration.

Paradigm Shift

The other day I came across this line in a book that talked about how a man, whose wife had Alzheimer's, responded to the reality that God might choose not to answer his prayers for her healing. This is what he said: “If He doesn't, then somehow this suffering is useful for a good purpose I can't see. And when I pray that those purposes will be accomplished in her life and mine, I'm confident He'll answer that prayer. Of that I have no doubt.” I put a star next to those words on the page. Sometimes, I feel panic when I look at the picture of my life as it is now held against the picture I had antipated, hoped for, planned on. In those moments, I let fear paralyze me. And fear, when it has taken root, turns to despair and I am cut off from God by my own hand. Those moments don't last long, but they are enough to make me take notice of the state of my heart. Do I believe that God is good? Yes. Do I believe that He loves me? Yes. Well then maybe I am going about this all wrong. I keep on thinking about my plans and my dreams and my timeline, my purposes and desires. What if what really matters is that God work out His purposes for my life? And what if He is doing that right now? If I say that I trust Him, that means believing He is working all things together for good whether I have the dream or not. It means not letting my fulfilled desires or answered prayers be the measure of His goodness towards me. His ways are higher than mine and sometimes, they're past finding out. But they are always, always good and full of love. My prayer is that God will fulfill His purposes for my life His way, not mine. And that I'll trust Him with all my heart in the process.

Good Days Ahead

According to the calendar, Fall began on Wendesday of last week. Not so says Shawna. According to my calendar, Fall started today, on this the first day of October, ceremoniously ushered in by my deliciously symbolic Pumpkin Spice frappaccino from my friend and yours (don't deny it) yes, Starbucks.

I love Fall. It is my favorite season. I love it especially in St. Louis and in Tulsa where the leaves are the shades of fall: reds, oranges, greens and yellows. Where you know its October because your sweaters and thick socks surface from their summer hibernation. Where there is the hope, or dread if you are so inclined, of imminent snow in the air. Nights last longer. Days get shorter. Coffee shops grow to feel more like home by the day.

Maybe that's why i went to a coffee shop on my lunch break today. I'm not in the Midwest anymore. The trees stay mostly green here. The air stays mostly mild. Snow is the stuff you pack on the roof of your car when you're driving down the mountain, before it melts off and blows away on the freeway. But change is unavoidable and that's ok. And so many of the things that made Fall so great over there in those other places will make it great here too. Sure, I probably would have ordered a hot Pumpkin Spice latte instead of a cold Pumpkin Spice frappaccino if i still lived in Tulsa, but the fact is that I ordered one, of course making today the first official day of Fall, Southern California style. Ushered in by the taste of my favorite season and the anticipation of good days ahead.