Take a deep breath.
Remember Love.
Sink your feet into truth
likes roots cling to wet earth
by the side of the river.
He is your God
and He is good.
He is your God
and He is better
than the richest of fare.
It's love...what you see around you that is hard to take in,
hard to make sense of, hard to put into words.
It's Love.
You'll see..
really, it is.
Take a deep breath,
remember, Love.
The Force and Flow
and you,
You are the tree by the river.
Jer. 17:8,9
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Go Be A Writer
I need to figure out a way to follow through with this lingering thought that has been poking and prodding me for days, thousands of them. I am frightened to stare at a blank screen and not know what to say. I am even more frightened that I will waste more time. I made a list of all the things I am afraid of. Here are some of them:
That I have nothing to say.
That Kimberly is the writer, not me, because Pastor Mary said so.
That I won't be relatable.
That this is just my idea, not God's idea.
That I am pretending to be something i'm not.
That I am making this up.
That I am not a good writer.
This I have not been commissioned.
I don't know what to write about.
I don't know if all of this will fizzle.
Ok, that's about all of them. It was good to have it out with those big, haunting fears. I guess they are not so big in that little font size after all. This is what i wrote next, after my list.
But what if I never even try?
Will I regret not trying?
Yes.
Yes, I will.
Here's the last of it. What i wrote to myself. My very own pep talk.
So what does that leave me to do?
Write.
Something.
Anything.
Just don't keep hoarding your words in notebooks and documents. Don't write blogs that no one can read because you haven't told them you blog.
Grow up a little Shawna and be big.
Be fearless.
Fearless of how they may see you.
Fearless of saying the wrong thing, the wrong way.
Write as if you were free.
See what happens.
If you're going to do this,
you're going to really need to do this.
That means no procrastinating.
Be big and brave and do this all by yourself because not even trying is worse than failing.
Everyone knows that.
Go be a writer.
Here I go.
That I have nothing to say.
That Kimberly is the writer, not me, because Pastor Mary said so.
That I won't be relatable.
That this is just my idea, not God's idea.
That I am pretending to be something i'm not.
That I am making this up.
That I am not a good writer.
This I have not been commissioned.
I don't know what to write about.
I don't know if all of this will fizzle.
Ok, that's about all of them. It was good to have it out with those big, haunting fears. I guess they are not so big in that little font size after all. This is what i wrote next, after my list.
But what if I never even try?
Will I regret not trying?
Yes.
Yes, I will.
Here's the last of it. What i wrote to myself. My very own pep talk.
So what does that leave me to do?
Write.
Something.
Anything.
Just don't keep hoarding your words in notebooks and documents. Don't write blogs that no one can read because you haven't told them you blog.
Grow up a little Shawna and be big.
Be fearless.
Fearless of how they may see you.
Fearless of saying the wrong thing, the wrong way.
Write as if you were free.
See what happens.
If you're going to do this,
you're going to really need to do this.
That means no procrastinating.
Be big and brave and do this all by yourself because not even trying is worse than failing.
Everyone knows that.
Go be a writer.
Here I go.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Freeways and Phrases
I started crying just a little bit on the freeway today. If you stick with me long enough, you'll find that the freeway is usually a pretty eventful place for me. Revelations. Tears. Words from the Father. Truth. Choices. They all seem to happen on the freeway. Maybe that's why i love road trips so much. Even as a child, i used to love riding in the car, staring out the window beside my face. Dreaming. Wondering what would happen someday. Would i ever get to go on tour with Point of Grace and what would it be like if i did? I don't wonder about that anymore. But there are other things i wonder about. Questions i can't help but wrestle with even when i thought the struggle was over.
I didn't have time to cry today so I sucked it up and kept driving, forgot about the hard stuff eventually. Its been a long time since the last tears came. Months. I cried on the freeway today because my heart felt forsaken. We all feel that way from to time, right? I didn't think too long or too hard about it and I didn't come to any resolutions. I just said over and over again...you know...i won't push you away. I will say it until i mean it. Until nothing, not heart ache, not guilt, not ugliness or uncertainty, will stand in my way of Him. The feeling went away after awhile. It might come back again. If it does, I'll go for a drive. Find a nice long freeway to sort out my thoughts on. I'll repeat those words again for miles at a time until they are not just words anymore. Then I will be closer to freedom.
I didn't have time to cry today so I sucked it up and kept driving, forgot about the hard stuff eventually. Its been a long time since the last tears came. Months. I cried on the freeway today because my heart felt forsaken. We all feel that way from to time, right? I didn't think too long or too hard about it and I didn't come to any resolutions. I just said over and over again...you know...i won't push you away. I will say it until i mean it. Until nothing, not heart ache, not guilt, not ugliness or uncertainty, will stand in my way of Him. The feeling went away after awhile. It might come back again. If it does, I'll go for a drive. Find a nice long freeway to sort out my thoughts on. I'll repeat those words again for miles at a time until they are not just words anymore. Then I will be closer to freedom.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
My Confession
I have a confession to make.
You may have noticed already, maybe not.
Sometimes
I feel sorry for myself.
There.
I said it.
I want to put my confession in print, for posterity.
So that I will remember.
So that I will have no excuses not to change.
I can make good choices or I can endulge self-pity.
I can console my wounded self-perception
or I can thank My God for the dose of
Tough Love
that He gave me.
What matters IS NOT that I get the things I want,
the things I dream of, the things I think I need.
What matters IS that He builds in me
a foundation of character and devotion to Him.
Will I let Him build that in me?
I will.
And I will be content in the building.
You may have noticed already, maybe not.
Sometimes
I feel sorry for myself.
There.
I said it.
I want to put my confession in print, for posterity.
So that I will remember.
So that I will have no excuses not to change.
I can make good choices or I can endulge self-pity.
I can console my wounded self-perception
or I can thank My God for the dose of
Tough Love
that He gave me.
What matters IS NOT that I get the things I want,
the things I dream of, the things I think I need.
What matters IS that He builds in me
a foundation of character and devotion to Him.
Will I let Him build that in me?
I will.
And I will be content in the building.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Old Shadows
Some molds are hard to shake. Just like some habits are hard to break. I am wrestling with some old shadows tonight. Thinking maybe if I just pack up and move somewhere new, somewhere beautiful, well then by association I will become the girl who is brave and beautiful, not this girl that I am. Maybe then this ache, this restlestness, will be quieted. I feel scared that some things will never change. Is it that I need to get something right first? Is it that I need to prove myself? The Bible says You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, for he trusts in You. I was thinking about peace today and then I thought of that verse. My response was God how in the world am I supposed to trust You when I can't feel you or see you or hear you and all of these other things, these nightmares, are staring me in the face? My mold doesn't know how to trust the God of the Universe who is good and full of love. Its going to take some time to shake it. My habit is to withdraw from Him when I feel hurt or angry or sad. I push Him away. This habit needs breaking. I can't change into a different girl overnight but I can make a good choice or two between now and morning. And in the morning, start again, as long as it takes until these shadows fade.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
About Me...
My new favorite movie is Once.
I like to drink Mountain Dew - it is my guilty pleasure.
Book I'm reading right now: Catcher in the Rye
Yesterday I bought a cd - Amy Grant Age to Age - for 97 cents (it came out the same year i was born).
I hate conflict.
In 2006 i wrote 200 songs. I'm not kidding.
Iwontpushyouaway is what I say to God when my heart feels broken.
So You Think You Can Dance and basketal games make me cry.
When I was playing Scrabble today, I scored 79 points in one turn. I'm still not kidding.
Sometimes my mouth looks funny when I talk. I wish I could get plastic surgery.
I love sushi.
I am not photogenic...it is a thorn in my flesh.
Bambi was the first movie that made me cry - I was six.
I like to drink Mountain Dew - it is my guilty pleasure.
Book I'm reading right now: Catcher in the Rye
Yesterday I bought a cd - Amy Grant Age to Age - for 97 cents (it came out the same year i was born).
I hate conflict.
In 2006 i wrote 200 songs. I'm not kidding.
Iwontpushyouaway is what I say to God when my heart feels broken.
So You Think You Can Dance and basketal games make me cry.
When I was playing Scrabble today, I scored 79 points in one turn. I'm still not kidding.
Sometimes my mouth looks funny when I talk. I wish I could get plastic surgery.
I love sushi.
I am not photogenic...it is a thorn in my flesh.
Bambi was the first movie that made me cry - I was six.
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