Old Shadows

Some molds are hard to shake. Just like some habits are hard to break. I am wrestling with some old shadows tonight. Thinking maybe if I just pack up and move somewhere new, somewhere beautiful, well then by association I will become the girl who is brave and beautiful, not this girl that I am. Maybe then this ache, this restlestness, will be quieted. I feel scared that some things will never change. Is it that I need to get something right first? Is it that I need to prove myself? The Bible says You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, for he trusts in You. I was thinking about peace today and then I thought of that verse. My response was God how in the world am I supposed to trust You when I can't feel you or see you or hear you and all of these other things, these nightmares, are staring me in the face? My mold doesn't know how to trust the God of the Universe who is good and full of love. Its going to take some time to shake it. My habit is to withdraw from Him when I feel hurt or angry or sad. I push Him away. This habit needs breaking. I can't change into a different girl overnight but I can make a good choice or two between now and morning. And in the morning, start again, as long as it takes until these shadows fade.