Dreams That Pale in Comparison

Recently, I stumbled upon a song. After the initial stumble, called Youtube, I bought the song and proceeded to camp out for awhile. A long while.

The more I listened, the more I got lost in the words, and in the voice of the girl whose heart was breaking over each one.The song is called Have Your Way by Britt Nicole. It's about surrender. It's about the bottom line. It's about the final answer to the question, “Will you push Me away?”  I listened to it over and over again, each time feeling my own heart turn towards the Father, broken and healed all at once.

Even if my dreams have died

And even if I don't survive

I'll still worship you with all my life

And I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust you God with where I am

And believe that you will have your way

Just have your way

Just have you way

For my whole life, I have wanted so badly to be able to trust God, in love and without fear.  And for my whole life, I have struggled to see Him as the loving and gracious Father that He is.  In His graciousness, He has used deferred hope and tender provision to reveal His heart to me.    

I will never trust God perfectly, until this dim glass is gone and I see Him face to face. But what I can say now that I couldn't say before...ten years ago, five years ago, even one year ago...is that my eyes are turned to Him in hope and loss, love and trust, all mixed together, and they will stay there.

It's like coming to the end of a long journey, weary and spent. Broken. But grateful, so grateful to have made it at long last to the place that makes my dreams pale in comparison.

So what I'm realizing is that His dreams for me are bigger and better than my dreams for me.  I can't believe I'm even saying that, but I am and I mean it.     

91 W

I'm so thankful for the 91 freeway.

What's even more astounding, I'm so thankful for traffic on the 91 freeway.

For some reason, the 91 freeway is where the clutter is cleared from my mind. I can see past the cobwebs. I can hear God better.

Recently, I made the trek from Riverside to Orange County on a particularly traffic-y day to the welcome accompaniment of newly discovered worship songs.

I sat there in my car thinking about how grateful I am for my church and my job and my friends. For getting to play music. For a new nephew on the way. For so many things. And for some reason, still, my heart felt broken for reasons I've named before.

There comes a point in time when you just have to choose what your answer's going to be. I once heard someone refer to it as the bottom line. What's your bottom line? And what's your answer going to be when you get there?

Faithful. That was my answer. God, more than anything I just want to be faithful to you. Through many tears, that was my answer to the bottom line.

I drove on not saying anything, just listening to the music. A song came on, one of the ones I just recently found and instantly loved. Its called Great I Am by New Life Worship. I sang along as much as my memorization would let me. By the time the song reached the bridge, I was a blubbery mess.

Thankfully, by this time traffic had slowed us all to single digit mph and I was able to see brake lights through my blurred vision. The song is about how big and good and worthy God is. I felt like it was His way of telling me that His intention towards me is the same as my intention towards Him. Faithfulness. Except His intention is more than just intention because He is God. Faithfulness is His promise.

I sang along with the rest of the song the best I could, my face wet and my voice barely able to get the words out. I was overwhelmed by the goodness and kindness of God. Overwhelmed that He would meet me there in that moment, through my love language: a song.

At my bottom line, on the 91 West, I encountered the faithfulness of God.