Closed Chapters and New Beginnings

Another year comes to a close. Another year begins. I am grateful for closed chapters and new beginnings. Today marks the first of them for me and next Tuesday will be the next, when I leave my job of three years for the last time. This chapter has not been easy to say the least. But I have learned and (I hope) grown through the experience. I will begin the new year with hope for what's ahead and solid assurance that the God who brought me here, to the end of this chapter, is the God who will continue to offer His strength and love as He walks beside me toward the new beginnings.

The Maker of the Stars

The sky is unusually clear and full of stars in Riverside tonight. I was driving home with a wet face, underneath them, thinking about hope and hurt and God.

If I trusted God when i felt like it, I wouldn't trust Him as often as I'd like to admit. I wouldn't trust Him now. Why would I when my heart feels broken? Why would I when i feel a familiar sadness, the sadness of a very long dark night? I wouldn't trust Him, if trust relied on feelings. I rely on feelings far too often.

Trust in God relies on who God is. He never changes. He is always good and sovereign. If I choose trust over feelings, I will rely on the unchanging, always good nature and character of God. The Master of the Universe. The Maker of the Stars.

I can see those stars tonight. Most of the time I can't. That doesn't mean they disappear. They shine brightly whether I see them or not because the nature of stars is to shine.

The same is true of my God. He is worthy of my trust, always, whether I give it to Him or not.

The Way

Sometimes I get sidetracked on my way to God.

Old patterns of striving instead of being honest. Effort instead intimacy.

Playing in mud puddles under the weight of His glory.

Missing the point of it all.

God is love. He values love. He paid a great price for love.

What if, in my relationship with Him, I valued love above all else?

Love is a force to be reckoned with.

It moves everything it touches.

It moved Him to me even when I had broken His heart.

It moves me to Him in response.

Love is not the easy way.

But it's His way.

Kitchen Truth

I was driving down a road today, wrestling old questions I haven't asked in a while. I wanted answers. They didn't come. Still I told Him at the bottom of the hill I will trust You. Words to pin my opponent. Later, standing in my kitchen, somewhere between my microwave and refridgerator, a thought lodged it's way in to me, past all that doubt and lament: He knows what's best for me. That's the answer to my question. That's why I can trust Him fully and with confidence in His goodness. It is the Father's nature to love, protect, and provide for the child. Me. You.

On Words

I haven't written in so long. I haven't read books. Perhaps last year did me in. So many pages and pages and pages. I think I must have poured out my lifetime quota of words into this laptop. And all those books. All those stories. I don't have the energy to delve into them now. Maybe 2011 will be my year of literary drought. Is this a sad thing? Strangely, I don't think so. I think I shouldn't force it. I think I should relax and let the days run their course.

Mercy

I thought I was on the fast track to God
with well-honed discipline
and years of practice under my belt

so I kept on my way
spinning in my circles
and jumping through the hoops
I crafted with my own hands
because all along I thought
that's what you wanted

and I kept on my way
too distracted by my spiritual acrobats
to notice you standing quietly by
with mercy too good to be true
but true just the same

if I had stopped long enough
to catch my breath
and still the striving heart in me
I wouldn't have wasted so much time
on that mercy
that was never mine to earn in the first place
only to accept

The Day Planner

A new week. I have my handy dandy day planner beside me, given to me by my good friend Camille, along with my newly purchased colored pens. So not only do I get to make my daily, weekly, and monthly lists of things to do, but I get to make my lists in color. How exciting.

I never thought of myself as the day planner type. People who have day planners, according to my perception and observation, are generally 1) busy, 2) organized, 3) fiscally responsible, 4) type A personalities. I guess I don't see myself this way. Or maybe I just don't want to see myself this way. Maybe what I really want is to see myself as the free-spirited, hippy type who goes where the wind blows and pities those who must consult their planners before making decisions, appointments, and committments.

The truth is I really like having a day planner. I admit it. I love checking things off the lists I create. I love productivity. I love my new colored pens. I guess it's not so bad to be a little bit organized and maybe make a budget every now and then. Who knows, mayble I'll even do my taxes before April 14th this year. And there are definitely perks to being busy. Having friends, for one thing. Making plans with friends, that's pretty great too (after checking my availability, of course).

Nevertheless, I will take comfort in one small fact. At this point I still do not know whether or not day planner is one word or two, or if a hyphen is required. A small comfort. If you know, please don't tell me.

The Tunnel

i have been trying to write these kid's stories. devotionals. in the stories, i'm supposed to show rather than tell. use analogies. word pictures. things like that. when i say i have been trying to write them, what i mean to say is i have been trying to think of ideas so i can write them. i'm finding ideas are hard to come by. on my way home from work today, while making a good effort to discipline my thoughts towards the tiny tunnel opening where all the good ideas are hiding out, apparently, i had another kind of thought that was not an idea at all.

shawna, there must be something wrong with you. you have no ideas. that is bad.

sometimes trying to be a writer is exciting, when effort shapes something out of nothing. you look at it and you like what you see. other times, it's more like staring at a blob of clay that refuses to bend to your touch. or worse, it's like staring at a spinning wheel while it spins, no clay in sight.

i am learning, though. and it's an important lesson to learn.

try again tomorrow.