Love Part II

Fast forward 10 years or so.  This is the part of the story called singleness.

Do you mind if I show you some of the not-so-pretty?

If you had told me 10 years ago what my life would look like at 30 years old, if you had shown me a snapshot, I wouldn't have believed you.  I would have flat out refused to believe you. At the starting line of my fourth decade with no husband or babies?  Absolutely impossible.  That's what I would have said.

This is a tricky job.  To express the disappointment I've felt, and still feel sometimes, while not giving the impression that I am without hope or faith in my loving, gracious, faithful God. Because the truth is I do have hope. It's the bottom line carved below disappointment.  The feel of a firm hand, strong in the dark.

Love.

I have hope because He loves me (Romans 5:5).

It's simple.  His ways are not my ways.   His thoughts are not my thoughts.  Yes, I've had times of throwing myself on the ground, metaphorically speaking, flailing my arms and legs about, pounding the ground and air in outrage at the injustice, the shock, the sadness of singleness.

BUT.  Thankfully, there is a but.

God is still good in light of long singleness.  This part of my story is not an accident or mistake.

He loves tenderly the broken heart.  He does.  And in that love is a fierce fight. To rescue it, set it free.

For what comes next.

Love Part I

By the time I was sixteen, I had decided what my life verse would be.  It resonated with the core of me, way down deep where the longing lives and all the way to the surface.  It spelled out my desire, my quest, my hope, my prayer for as long as I could remember.   

"And to know the love of Christ, which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."  Ephesians 3:19

As a teenager, it wasn't easy for me to grasp that love.  The situation didn't improve much as I got older.  I think the devil knows how dangerous, how devastating to him it is for us to know, really know and experience the love God has for us.  So he spends all his strength trying to blind us, harden our hearts, make us feel worthless...anything to sabotage our chances of encountering the love of God.  And his tactics are subtle.  In my case, it was effort that got me tripped up.  I thought if I tried hard enough, I'd finally find that illusive feeling of God's love and it would set me free and change me into a different person, a Loved person.  The more that love feeling eluded me, the harder I tried to reach for it.  The devil's job was easy. Make me strive so much for love that I would never stop long enough to realize it was already mine, perfect and complete.   

This is how I've lived most of my life.  But, thankfully, it's not the end of my story.