Paradigm Shift

The other day I came across this line in a book that talked about how a man, whose wife had Alzheimer's, responded to the reality that God might choose not to answer his prayers for her healing. This is what he said: “If He doesn't, then somehow this suffering is useful for a good purpose I can't see. And when I pray that those purposes will be accomplished in her life and mine, I'm confident He'll answer that prayer. Of that I have no doubt.” I put a star next to those words on the page. Sometimes, I feel panic when I look at the picture of my life as it is now held against the picture I had antipated, hoped for, planned on. In those moments, I let fear paralyze me. And fear, when it has taken root, turns to despair and I am cut off from God by my own hand. Those moments don't last long, but they are enough to make me take notice of the state of my heart. Do I believe that God is good? Yes. Do I believe that He loves me? Yes. Well then maybe I am going about this all wrong. I keep on thinking about my plans and my dreams and my timeline, my purposes and desires. What if what really matters is that God work out His purposes for my life? And what if He is doing that right now? If I say that I trust Him, that means believing He is working all things together for good whether I have the dream or not. It means not letting my fulfilled desires or answered prayers be the measure of His goodness towards me. His ways are higher than mine and sometimes, they're past finding out. But they are always, always good and full of love. My prayer is that God will fulfill His purposes for my life His way, not mine. And that I'll trust Him with all my heart in the process.