October Baby Part II

All I can say is it's a good thing I watched it within the seclusion of my room.  I think there's a certain type/amount of crying during a movie that is acceptable within most social norms.  I'm pretty sure my type/amount of crying during October Baby was outside of the 'acceptable' range.

There are two scenes that particularly bulldozed me and I'm not going to tell you anything about the scenes because I don't want to ruin your viewing experience.  Suffice it to say the movie left me feeling very, very sad.  I felt like my heart was breaking for me and for Him, my Father, my Abba, because of the way I don't know how to love Him.  I don't know how to love Him as a daughter.  I don't know how to love Him in freedom and without fear.  And the reason I can't give Him the love of a daughter is because I don't know how to be loved by Him as Father. Abba. I don't know how to be loved by Him in freedom and without fear.  This 1) makes me very sad and 2) makes Him even more sad.  

So what's holding me back? Same thing that holds us all back. Lies. They come in all different shapes and sizes, but the message is the same. Whatever Satan, the father of lies, can do to make us question or doubt or reject or refuse the perfect, unconditional, infinite and constant love of God, he will do it with gusto.  He will do it with desperation because he knows that once we know, once we really know the love of God that passes knowledge (Eph. 3:19), he won't have a chance.

Truth is a powerful thing.  It heals, it sets free, it changes a person. How I feel doesn't change the truth. Whether or not I feel loved by God like the dad loves his daughter in the movie doesn't change the truth that He loves me likes the dad loves the daughter in the movie. Actually, the truth is that the depiction of the father's love in those scenes is hardly a drop in the bucket compared to how He feels towards me. And you.  For all my crying and sadness and general brokenness on account of living in a fallen world, this Truth really is my home. And I believe that it will heal me, set me free, and change me.  

For me, watching October Baby was kind of like ripping a band-aid off tender skin, only to expose wounded flesh.  Some wounds need exposure to heal.  In that sense, I am grateful to have been so deeply affected by the movie because while the sadness was intense, the lasting impression of it isn't hurt.  It's hope. I have hope that the wrong ideas I have about God and myself will be replaced with truth. I have hope that someday soon I will be able to call Him 'Abba' without squirming inside.