I've got my fighting gloves on, folks. Me against the mattresses. Me against 27 years of being afraid and being afraid and trying really hard not to be afraid...and being afraid again.
I feel it - the fear - slithering across my skin like a giant snake, weaving in and out and around until I can hardly stand beneath the weight of it. Crippling, paralyzing, fear, going in for the kill. I hate it. I hate it enough to do something about it.
But why would this time be different from any other time, all those millions of times, that I resolved to trust God and succeeded for about 10 minutes before pushing Him away again? (I am trying to come up with a really great answer to this question.)
Maybe I just gave up too quickly and too easily. Going to the mattresses is about not taking no for an answer. It's about putting on the fiercest fighting face you've got. It's about going after the thing you want so hard that either you win it or you die trying. I can do that. I will do that.
I will trust and not be afraid. These are my fighting words.
I can appreciate fighting words. truly.
ReplyDeleteBut over time I've learned about battles and wars. We determine to win the war through God's strength, courage, and grace. We fight battles within that war and trust God for the above in each nitty gritty circumstance. And sometimes we concede a battle without guilt but with the hope that the war is won. Does that make any sense? Humph. Not when I reread it...but I would love to talk shop about this very thing. Im looking forward to our next hangout. It's soon, yes?
Love this Shawna. Your openness is refreshing and inspires me to not feel ashamed about my own struggles. Lately my favorite mantra is; "When I am afraid I will trust in Him" Psalm 56:3. it took my daughters preschool class to learn this for me to learn it too. I need to be reminded of this simple simple sentence so much that i wrote it big and taped it to my desk, where my eyes wander often. (underneath it I wrote something another wise woman taught me: Fear is the enemy of Faith.)
ReplyDeleteshawna....
ReplyDeleteMORE PLEASE.
POST ASAP.