Sadness

When I look at my life, and the girl at center stage, I see sadness there. I see a kid who carried a heavy load and who hoped, like all kids do, in spite of it. Eventually, the weight of the load grew too heavy for the weight of the hope and one of them had to go. Sadly, it was hope that dropped to the ground as she went on her way. As proof of the heaviness that won, she didn't even notice when hope was gone. This girl didn't always make the best choices. She preferred to walk alone as much as she could. She developed the habit of hiding her face, her feelings, and her deepest, truest self from everyone, even from herself. For years, she went on this way and she opened her heart to only two things: the pages that she wrote on and the music that she played. They knew her when she wept. They were there when she was lost. They offered friendship that was safe and comfort without cost. So she wrote and she wrote and she played and she played. The music gave hope and the pages, escape. They made her load lighter, but they could never remove it. It wasn't their job. What she really needed was something that scared her. Something she feared would make the weight of the load too heavy for her and what would she do then? How would she manage? She had found a way that seemed to work. She felt joy and hope sometimes and hardly even noticed the bricks on her back anymore. That old Truth would come and make her face the sorrow of her heart. It would tell her she was meant to stand straighter, not burdened as she was. It would tell her she was made to be brave and free and loved. It would ruin everything. So she pushed away what frightened her and she convinced herself that her way was the best way. She was wrong. What she really needed was honesty and truth from her head to her toes. From the light in her eyes to the marrow in her bones. She needed them because they would have made room for hope. They would have told her its ok to be sad. And then the sadness would have passed. And in its place, somewhere deeper than the weight of the load could reach, would have been hope that lasts. She thought she knew what was best, but she was wrong. The sadness snuck in and it latched on. Now the girl is a woman and she's fighting for a way to be free. I know she's going to find a way, because finding it is everything.