Ants and Itches

Sometimes my life feels like a perpetual itch that I cannot scratch. I am trying, believe me I am. But I can't get to it. I can't find it. I don't even know where to look. And that unrelenting itch leaves me feeling like I have ants crawling over me all the time. I am frustrated and annoyed and I just want them to get off of me. Isn't there something I was born to do with all these days? Isn't there some path I should be settled on by now? Isn't there somone out there in that great expanse of space and people who fits me perfectly? (I'll settle for nearly perfectly.) Isn't there a Voice that's supposed to whisper behind me saying This is way, Walk in it? My insides ache and wail as I sit at my desk day after day. I say to the Father I can't do it anymore. I can't. I am going to shrivel up into a teeny, tiny administrative ball and they are going to start to squeeze me for stress relief.

Okay...now that I got that off my chest.

I guess I'm just feeling restless. Life is a funny thing. I'm about as as far from where I thought I'd be by now as I could be. Dreams. Plans. Timelines. All good ideas, but no cigar. Not yet, anyway. Part of me wants to scream and shake my fist at injustice or God or myself for letting things turn out like they have. Part of me knows I'm only 26 and it's not the end of the world just yet. But I get scared sometimes and I just want Something to hold onto...wife-status, a job that matters, beauty, bravery...babies. Something that will stop me from feeling lost. Something that will make me feel safe.

But do you want to know something? Somehow in the midst of this, my itching and aching, I am beginning to Need my Father God. Need. The thing that makes intimacy so sweet. Need for Him, only Him and all of Him. Somehow in the midst of this, I can say for the first time in my life that Truth is starting to solidify beneath my feet. Its happening. Its really happening. I believe that my God is good and everything He does and everything He allows in my life is only out of love for me. I believe that I am safe with Him, not lost. He is teaching me that He is enough. Restlessness, frustration, dissappointment, ants and itches...they are no match for Him and they are no match against the heart that He settles. Mine is becoming one of those hearts.