What Is Really Going On Here

I'm coming to face the ways I push away Love.
One day at a time.
One bout of anxiety at a time.
Every day brings a choice:
Trust or Control.
Trust that believes God is good and He is taking care of me, or
Control that keeps Him from getting too close and makes me feel almost safe.
It never lasts, that feeling.
It goes away and I keep trying to get it back.
Accomplish something else, clean something else, eat something else, buy something else, write something else, pray something else.
These are my attempts to keep everything from falling apart.
But what I'm really doing,
What is really going on here is that I'm pushing away Love.
Love isn't afraid of running out of time.
Love isn't afraid that everything will fall apart.
And neither would I be if only I would
Trust instead of Control.
I will not try to get this right.
That would be counter-productive.
This is what I will do:
Take a deep breath, let my hands hang limp, and say nothing.
Just face Love tonight.